A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me.
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
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Two men were painting a house.
Pat: Have you got a good hold on that paint brush, Mick?
Mick: Yes, I have. Why?
Pat: Well, hold on tight, because I'm taking this ladder away.
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If all the letters were invited to a tea party, what letters would be late?
The letters U, V, W, X, Y, Z they all come after T.
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Scott goes hiking on his own to commune with nature. He gets too close to the edge of a cliff, slips, and finds himself hanging by his hands from the branch of a little tree growing about 10 feet down from the top and 100 feet above a sheer drop to the rocks below. Yelling for help being of no avail, Scott sees his life passing before his eyes, and finally, in desperation, calls up into the sky, "Is there anybody up there?"
A great voice booms out, "Yes, Scott, I am here."
"Who are you?"
"It's me, your God."
"Help me," calls Scott.
"I'll help you. Let go of the tree."
"What?"
"Trust in me. Let go of the tree and I will help you."
Scott thinks for a minute, then calls up into the sky, "Is there anybody else up there?"
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted," Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
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A lady invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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A rather stern aunt had been staying with Fred's parents, and one day she said to the little girl, "Well, Fred, I'm going tomorrow. Are you sorry?"
"Oh yes, Auntie," replied Fred, "I thought you were going today."
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How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
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I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
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A local businessman came to call on a farmer one day. He found him out in the orchard, hoisting an enormous pig in his arms so the pig could nibble an apple hanging from a tree.
"Sure takes a lot of time to feed a pig that way," cracked the businessman.
"Yep," replied the farmer, "but what's time to a pig?"
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The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."
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What did the earwig say when it fell down the stairs?
Ear we go!
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Tom: Why did the monster jump up and down?
Martin: Because he'd just taken his medicine and he'd forgotten to shake the bottle.
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once a man said to his servant that wht does this fly doing in my tea. the servant replied- swimming.
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Guest to waiter: "This chicken dish is not complete."
Waiter: "Why, sir?"
Guest: "It has only one leg. What happened to its second leg?"
Waiter: "Sir, actually its leg was broken in a fight with another chicken!"
Guest: "Then take it away and bring me the chicken who won the fight!"
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A wife tells her husband, "We have such a clever dog that it brings the daily newspapers every morning."
Husband "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responds, "But we've never subscribed to any newspaper!"
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First friend to second friend: "Tell me! Which is more important, the sun or the moon. "
Second friend: "The moon"
First friend: "Why?"
Second friend: "Because the sun gives us light in the day but the moon gives us light at night."
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Ram: "Can this parrot talk?"
Shopkeeper: "Yes ! it repeats everything it hears."
(after a few days, at the pet shop)
Ram: "This parrot cannot speak at all!! You said it repeats whatever it hears."
Shopkeeper: "I know! This is because it is deaf!!!"
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A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
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On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.
As they got in the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."
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Customer to umbrella seller: "Tell me, how can I make this umbrella last 10 years?"
Umbrella seller: "Don't use it in sun or rain".
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One Russian asks the other. "If you had two cars, would you give me one?"
Second Russian: "Of course".
First Russian: "If you had two horses, would you give me one?"
Second Russian: "Of course".
The first Russian asks third time, "If you had two chickens, would you give me one?"
Second Russian: "No".
First Russian: "Why not?"
Second Russian: "Because I have two chickens".
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Ashok is standing on platform no.1 waiting for Punjab Mail to arrive. There is an announcement, "Passengers to note train number 234 Down Punjab Mail from New Delhi will be arriving on Platform number 1 shortly."
Hearing this Ashok gets panicky. He immediately picks up his baggage, jumps on to the railway track and stands there.
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Man at the enquiry counter: "When will Rajdhani express arrive." Stationmaster: "At 8 am"
Man: "When will Shatabdi express arrive"
Stationmaster: "at 8.30 am"
Man: "When will Kashi express arrive"
Stationmaster: Why are you asking the time of all the trains"
Man: "Because I have to cross the railway line"
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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How did you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"
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Once a canditate went for an interview. Manager:What is your name?
Canditate:Sir,N.D.
Manager:What?
Canditate:I mean Nishant Das
Manager:What is your father's name? Canditate:Sir,N.D.
Manager:Again?!!
Canditate:Neelesh Das.
Manager:What is your father?
Canditate:N.D.
Manager:Now what is it?
Canditate:Sir, he is a News Director.
manager: Where is your native place?
candidate: Sir,N.D.
Manager: What is N.D? Are you in your senses???
Canditate:Sorry sir , I am from New Delhi.
Manager: Did you work anywhere before? If yes, where.
Canditate:Yes sir, I worked at N.D.
Manager: Oh God!!!!
Canditate: Sir, I mean to say that I worked in Naval Department.
Manager: ( keeps silence)
A few seconds later
Canditate: Sir, what do you think about me?
Manager: N.D.
Canditate: Oh really!!! What is it??
Manager:NIL DUFFER!!!!
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Guest to waiter: "This chicken dish is not complete."
Waiter: "Why, sir?"
Guest: "It has only one leg. What happened to its second leg?"
Waiter: "Sir, actually its leg was broken in a fight with another chicken!"
Guest: "Then take it away and bring me the chicken who won the fight!"
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Once Sher Singh was sitting in the lobby of a hotel.
A man approached him and asked, "Are you relaxing?"
Sher Singh said: "No, no I am Sher Singh.
The man got confused and went away
Soon after, Sher Singh went out in the lawn where a man was relaxing in the Sun.
Sher Singh approached him and asked: "Are you relaxing??" The man said: "Yes"
Sher Singh said: "Somebody is looking for you in the lobby!!"
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Judge: Why did you steal this man's watch?
Thief: I didn't steal it. He gave it to me.
Judge: When?
Thief: When I showed him my gun.
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Once a priest saw a man praying for heavy rain
The priest asked him, "Son, are you a farmer?"
The man said, "No, I sell umbrellas".
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Control Tower to Pilot: "Please report your height and position"
Pilot: "I am 5 feet 11 inches and I am in the cockpit."
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Once Pervez Musharaf invited the Indian prime minister to Pakistan, to show the Pakistani technology.
In the Pakistani parliament, on one side there was indian prime minister and on the other side was pakistan's prime minister. In the Pakistan prime minister's chair there were three buttons. Musharaf asked the Indian prime minister to press the three buttons one by one and after pressing each button he got a punch.
Then the Indian prime minister invited musharaf to India. Same position with Musharaf there where 3 buttons on his seat. After pressing each button Musharaf didn't feel anything. Musharaf was so angry and he told the Indian Prime minister that I am going back to pakistan. THEN THE INDIAN PRIME MINISTER LAUGHED AND REPLIED WHICH PAKISTAN? YOU HAVE ALREADY LAUNCHED 3 NUCLEAR MISSILES AND IT IS NOW NO MORE!!!!
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One man went to study different religions.First he went to a church.He looked at the building and then asked:What is your system of collecting money?
Priest: We draw a line and ask the people to throw money,towards the line.Whatever money crosses the line is given to God and the remaining we keep.
The same answer came when he went to visit a mosque.
When the man went to a temple and asked the same question ,the Priest said:I bet our system is the best.We throw the money in the air,whatever God has to keep he keeps and the money that comes back to the ground is taken by us.
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Q- What is the height of foolishness?
A- Two Bald men fighting for a comb!
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My computer just told me that I had completed an illegal operation, and I'm not even a doctor.
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Sita:What is your little brother's name?
Pooja:I don't know, he cant speak yet
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Servant:Sir! you say Sachin is a very brave batsman.
Master: Oh yes! He is never afraid of facing the bowler.
Servant:Then why does he run so fast after hitting the ball.
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Raghu-Papa please buy me a bicycle.
Papa-I will buy u one if you stand first in class.
THE NEXT DAY
Raghu-Papa,u will have to buy me a bicycle today because I was the first person to stand up in class today when the teacher walked in!!!
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There were 3 friends.Their names were SOMEBODY,NOBODY & MAD.One day they started fighting for some reason.Then mad called the police and said that somebody is fighting with nobody.
The police said are u mad, he replied ,yes I am mad.
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QUES:WHY IS THE NOSE COLD?
ANS:BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO EYES ABOVE IT.
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First husband:my wife is a an angel.
Second husband:you r so lucky.
1st husband:why?
2nd:because my wife is still alive.
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Father:How were your marks in the exam
Son:underwater
Father:What do you mean?
Son:below c level.
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Once in 1992 there was a match between India and Pakistan.India made 89 and Pakistan still lost the game.The crowd of Pakistan then started hating all the players.Some players went missing.
(After some days)
Moin Khan in the disguise of a woman went to buy vegetables.The lady shopkeeper said "HI Moin".
Khan got afraid.When he started running away,the woman caught him and said "HI Moin".
Khan asked her "Who r u ?"
She replied "Don't worry I am Wasim Akram"!!
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Ram: Sham, you know today I killed 5 mosquitoes. 3 were male and 2 were female.
Sham: How did you know that?
Ram: Simple! The ones 3 male mosquitoes were sitting on my shaving, and the 2 female ones were sitting on my wife's lip stick.
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A bald headed person entered a barber's shop and enquired:"How much is the hair cut charge?"
"ten rupees", replied the barber.
"Why do you charge so much for cutting just a few hair,"asked the person.
"No sir" replied the barber."The charge is not for cutting them but for finding them".
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Twelve Sardars on twelve bikes going to see a movie twelth time.Guess whats the name of the movie.
Ans.Yeh hamara wakat hai.
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What did the potato say when he answered the phone?
AALOO.
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SERVANT:SIR THERE IS A THIEF IN OUR HOUSE.
MAN:TELL HIM TO COME TOMMOROW,I AM FEELING SLEEPY TODAY.
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Rohan: Mohan, do you know the difference between a discovery and an invention?
Mohan: No.
Rohan: I'll tell you. It is simple
My father discovered my mother and they both invented me.
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Master:Why were you thrown out of your previous job.
Servant:Because I swat a fly.
Master:Just because you swat a fly?
Servant:Yes - it was sitting on the master's nose.
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ONE MAD MAN TO THE OTHER:TOMORROW I WILL BECOME THE PRESIDENT OF INDIA
OTHER MAD MAN:YES,ONLY IF I GIVE MY RESIGNATION
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once 4 sardar ji opened a hotel ,but for many days no one came there why?
Because they had put a board outside the hotel which said, "Visitors not allowed."
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Sardar: "Hey neena u come to my house tomorrow there will be no one there, so please come"
Neena:"I'll come"
When Neena came the next day there was really no one in the house
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ONCE TWO FULLISH WERE GOING IN A BOAT ONE FULLISH SAID 'LOOK LOOK! THERE IS A HOLE IN THE BOAT AND THE WATER IS COMING OUT OF THE HOLE'THE OTHER FOOLISH SAID NOTHING HAPPENS I WILL MAKE ONOTHER HOLE
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ek mental hospital mein ek doctor ek paagal to andar bulata hein. use puchta hein tera nose kidar hien. he answers by putting his finger on his ear.the doctor keeps on questioning him ,he answers all wrong. he walks pout off the room.he calls another paagal,and he questions him the same way as he questioned the first one .this person gives all right answers. at the end the doctor saya him that he had improved.so at last he asks where did u stored all this information ,he points at his forehead and saya "KIDNEY"
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A scientist installed a knocker at his house's door.Why??????
To win a no-bel prize.
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What do you call a person who leaves India?
ANS: Hindustan Lever (Leaver)!
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ME : WAITER!ONE CUP OF TOMATO SOUP PLEASE. WAITER : YES SIR! AFTER A FEW MINUTES BRINGS A CUP OF TOMATO SOUP ME : WAITER! SALT & PEPPER PLEASE. WAITER : YES SIR! AFTER A FEW MINUTES COMES WITH A CUP OF SALT AND A FEW PAPER NAPKINS AND SAID SIR,HERE IS YOUR ORDER.
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shopkeeper: madam, to accept the cheque from you, i have to establish your identify first. customer: (takes out a mirror and peers into it): yeah!it is me all right.
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A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he always started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning
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ONCE UPON A TIME ,THERE WERE 2 HUNTERS-MANISH,AMIT.M ASKED A TO GO 4 HUNTING.THEY WENT 4 HUNTING AND SUDDENLY SAW a MONSTER.M CLIMBED THE TREE BUT A COULD NOT AND THUS WAS BEETEN BY THE MONSTER.NEXT YEAR SOMEHOW A WENT 4 HUNTING. BUT SAME THING HAPPENED.THIS CONTINUED 4 5 YEARS. IN THE 6TH YEAR WHEN THEY WENT 4 HUNTING A CLIMBED THE TREE BUT M COULD NOT. MONSTER SAID THAT"NICHE WALE KO SAALON SE DEKH RAHA HOON ,AAJ UPER WALE KO DEKHONGA .
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Mother:Naughty girl!Wwhy did you throw stones at Raju Daughter:Frist he threw stones at me,then he started cring.I thought that he wanted his stones back.
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A boy was coming out of a saloon when aman asked him ',have you had a haircut?' 'no.it is autumn and my hair is shedding'answered the boy
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ek baar ek sardar ne dusere sardar ke kaan main ja ker kuch bola,sardar ji ki at the spot death ho gayi.batao sardar ji ne kya kaha.......? sardar ji ne kaha dishkyuin
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a political meet was going on& atal bihari,nawaz sharief,& lalu were there nawaz- kashmair should be given to pakistan & not to india atal- u don't have any right on kashmir lalu whispered to nawaz something& nawaz changed his opinion & told we don't want kashmir atal asked lalu what did u said in todays time buy 1 get 1 free time is there so with kashmir bihar is free
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ONCE TWO FRIENDS RAM AND ROHAN WERE SITTING TOGETHER. RAM:DO U HAVE A CAR? ROHAN:YES AND NO.. RAM:WHAT??WHAT DOES IT MEAN? RAM:WHEN IT WANTS FACIAL,ITS MY WIFE.WHEN IT WANTS DANCE,ITS MY SONS.AND WHEN IT WANTS PETROL,ITS MINE.
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There was once a scientist who was experimenting on a cockroach . He asked the cockroach to run and the cockroach ran very fast. After that he went on cutting one of his legs one by one . And wrote in his report that as we cut its leg it starts moving slower and slower . In the end when he cut all its legs it did not runso in his report he wroye that if we cut all the legs of a cockroah then it becomes deaf
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At home- mother-what was the result of your test? son- i got zero mother-oh god i took all the time for teaching you and you have got zero! son - but i thought you would be happy! moter-how if you got zero mark? son -who said mummy i got zero mark,igot as answer zero!!!!!
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The old lady died of young age......
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How do you recongnize a sardar in school? They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.Bolo Tararara!!!
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'didn't you say it was wrong to strike anybody younger than yourself' said the boy 'yes that is right'said father 'well,i wish you would tell my teacher,i don't think that she knows this rule'
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one day a boy droped one toffe on the groud when he was going to pick up his father told"don't take any thing which is fallen on the groud.The other day he was going with his father and mother on the scooter then due to sudden brake his mother fall down .Then when his father was helping to get up his son told "don't take which is fallen on the groud we will get another'
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Once Raghu went to a clohtes shop: Raghu:May I try the red shirt in the window outside ? Shopkeeper:No,you will have to use the trial room as everybody else does !
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What did one math book tell the other math book i have alot ofproblems
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waiter,do you serve crabs here. yes sir, we serve everybody
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Reema :" Papa , I have saved your money this year." Papa : " Reema how did you save my money ?" Reema : " i failed in all the subjects so you don't have to buy books for me "
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once a bhoot was sitting on a tree he said to his campanioun " i am just saved" the other asked " why what happened " he replied "i saw a man below the tree but he did not see me " the other one said " oh! idiot there is no man in this world it is all our imagination"
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one day three friends named "kaun,pagal and akkal" were going in a jungle and while on the way "kaun" lost.the other two friends searched him but didn't find him.then after two hours , by enquiring here and there, they reached a police station.at the police "pagal" asked "akkal"to sit outside the police station."pagal" went to the police officer and told that he had lost his friend "kaun".the police officer replied kaun kho gaya "pagal" again replied told "kaun" kho gaya.then after so much argue police officer asked "pagal" kya tum pagal ho , "pagal" said yes and when the police officer asked where was his akkal he said that it was sitting outside.
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What do u mean by NASA- Need Another Seven Astronauts.
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My Mum had so many candles on her birthday cake that the guests were driven back by the heat. Ha! Ha!
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Judge:Did you hit your husband with a chair ?
Wife:Yes, my Lord
Judge:Why?
Wife:Because the table was too heavy to lift!
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There was a man who was giving the food to the birds. and one person was waching him after some minutes that person came and said that sir there are no birds so the other man who was giving the food to the birds said that there is no food also.
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Jokes&Riddles 1>Height of Foolishness
Ans>Two bald men fighting for a comb!
2>Height Of Stupidity
Ans>Looking through the key hole of a glass door.
3>Height Of Supersitition.
Ans>People refusing to watch Sun T.V on a solar eclipse day.
4>Height Of Co-incidence Ans?>My father and mother got married on the same day.
5>Height of Secrecy Ans>
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1st Woman:Because of me my husband become a lakhpati. 2nd Woman:than what was he before? 1st woman:he was a crorepati.
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Once upon a time, a Sardarji saw a boy who wore his cap in the back direction. This event really harrased the social nature of sardarji and then he also decided to wear his pagari in the backward direction . While he was on his way to his office another Sardar saw him and asked "Sardarji aa rahe ho ke jaa rahe ho"
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a ship was overioaded the captain said one has to jump into the sea a sardar said bolaaaaaaaaaaa sonaa hal he picked up the captain and said saatsriakal
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If there were 10 cats in the Boat. And then one cat jumped in the water then how many cats will be there in the boat? Answer- No one because all were copy-cats.
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Custumer-Waiter!there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter-Don't worry Sir!I have added a spider to eat it.
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Father:How many have you scored in your maths test?
Son:Twenty marks less than rahul.
Father:How much rahul scored?
Son:Twenty , dad.
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In a mental asylum
First mental, "I will rub out the world."
Second mental, "I won't give you the rubber"
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